Bubbles


(Pop)

The soapy capsules float on air
A dream resides within them rare
But fragile shell is prone to tear

A splash and then the dream descends
As fantasy with real blends
So blow a few more dreamy friends

For http://bluebellbooks.blogspot.com/2011/09/short-story-slam-week-11.html

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19 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. empressalice
    Oct 02, 2011 @ 02:50:15

    beautiful and so real and true just like life awesom poem and blog!

    Reply

  2. empressalice
    Oct 02, 2011 @ 02:50:51

    oops awesome*
    and seach for beauty and stay true
    xx

    Reply

  3. charlesmashburn
    Oct 02, 2011 @ 08:29:07

    wonderful thought! When one dream bursts, dream another one! I like it!
    http://charleslmashburn.wordpress.com/2011/09/30/bubbles-and-lies/

    Reply

  4. Russell Littlecreek
    Oct 02, 2011 @ 09:49:28

    Hi David,

    Oh goody! I’m glad this site has moderation because I had some constructive criticism but was loathe to leave it for everyone to see. Please delete the “Test” comment and this one after you’ve finished reading this.

    I liked your poem! I’d give it a 4/5 as well because it’s good! I liked the picture, and I liked the imagery.

    I hate it when people give me a four out of five and are all nice and everything but don’t tell me why! I don’t know if you feel the same way, but am hoping so.

    Here is my constructive feedback–feedback with constructive suggestions on how to change something–on how I would tighten up this poem and why.

    I would take the Parenthesis out of the title. I believe that things in parenthesis are things that one thinks but are not necessary. Therefore, in a title, if it’s necessary, I would write “Bubbles Pop” or just “Bubbles” if it is not necessary. The reason being, you can put the “pop” in the poem and you want to pare your poem down as much as possible. You can see what I mean in my example near the end.

    In general, since the poem is about plural–bubbles, I changed everything to plural.

    On the first read, I got stuck on the fifth line. This one line was not iambic tetrameter, so it was jarring enough to me, to stop the poem’s flow. I had to figure out if I could sound it out to make the flow work. This is what prevented you from getting a five. (Sorry) 🙂

    On a later read, I got to thinking about line four. If something is splashing, isn’t it splashing into water? That’s what I as a reader thought of first. I know you can have a splash of color etc. But I related this to your title “Bubbles (Pop)”, so here is where I decided to put the “pop” instead of “splash”.

    On line five I replaced “real” with “realism”. It was hard to find a substitute for that word which hopefully stayed close to the original meaning. It can be argued whether the “ism” make the word “realism” a trochee or dactyl, but either way, I think it works as an iamb in the context of the line.

    I think that’s everything. Here’s my version of the poem:

    Bubbles

    The soapy capsules float on air
    Dreams reside within them rare
    But fragile shells are prone to tear
    A pop and then the dreams descend
    As fantasy with realism blends
    So blow a few more dreamy friends.

    Anyway, that’s what I have to offer. Feel free to use any of it…or not! I apologize in advance if I’m overstepping my bounds. P.S. if you would like private correspondence later, you can reach me at

    Best wishes for you in any case. You’re a good poet!

    Russell

    Reply

    • wordcoaster
      Oct 02, 2011 @ 15:35:14

      Russell,
      I hope you don’t mind if I respond to you on this. Just let me know and I’ll delete your comment if you want me to. I removed your email address from it as that is certainly a private matter.
      First, I’d like to thank you for such a thorough analysis! It means a lot that you took the time to go through and I love critiques as they can only improve my writing.
      Second, thanks for explaining your rating, though I’m flattered with a four star rating regardless as I know how rarely I give five star ratings.
      Third, I hope that my response doesn’t sound argumentative or defensive–I’m just going to try to explain why I chose to write the poem the way I did. I definitely agree that parenthesis in poems can be at the least distracting, and at the most completely unnecessary. I originally was going to title this one Bubbles (Dreams), which I guess would have worked, but I wanted to really use the parenthesis as a way of illustrating the bubble. With the word dreams, the bubble seemed too big. I settled for (Pop) as it conveyed the proper size of the bubble. The title font, however, greatly distorted the effect I was going for. I think I will change it.

      I am not sure how the fifth line’s not iambic tetrameter–is it that there aren’t enough syllables? For me, “real” is a two syllable word with the stress on the first syllable. There is the trouble with “fantasy” as the stress on the ‘sy’ is forced. I’m open to changing the line, but I’m not sure what exactly needs changing in it. Your substitute “As fantasy with realism blends” is iambic pentameter from my count.

      I chose to use “splash” as bubbles don’t just disappear–there is that burst of soapy liquid. And the splash can be silent, rather than audible as “pop” connotes. Also I think the bubbles, though separate, carry a collective dream.
      Thanks again for your comments–I greatly appreciate and welcome them. I hope I haven’t seemed too defensive. I really do appreciate all of your comments. Thanks so much! 😀

      Reply

      • Russell Littlecreek
        Oct 02, 2011 @ 16:13:23

        Hi David,
        You needn’t worry, I didn’t take your reply as argumentative or defensive. I had to chuckle because I thought it was enlightening. And Darnifthedictionary doesn’t sound real as “re-al”. I guess I should have looked at that first hmmm?! But now I feel like I’m in Texas (No offence Texans!) when I pronounce that line in your poem that way–and it works for the meter of your poem! Whodathunkit!

        I actually thought about the possibility of separate bubbles carrying a collective dream! It just goes to show how either it can be difficult to convey a meaning with a few words whether because of poet or listener–in this case the listener, or how flexible the language can be in conveying more than one meaning! Thanks for your reply!
        Cheers,
        Russell

        Reply

        • wordcoaster
          Oct 02, 2011 @ 16:22:41

          Phew! I’m so glad! I think one of the best and worst things about poetry is that it is so open to interpretation. I love hearing new and poignant interpretations of something I wrote. However it can also be frustrating when this new interpretation is the ONLY interpretation that readers are getting out of it. Meanwhile I’ve discovered how fun it is to say this poem in a thick Texan accent, so thanks for that! 🙂

          Reply

  5. Jeanie McBain
    Oct 02, 2011 @ 10:00:14

    Lovely piece well done. I especially like ‘so blow a few more dreamy friend’ this conjures up some nice imagery.

    Reply

  6. Write Girl
    Oct 02, 2011 @ 17:12:19

    Lovely rhymes in this poem. So whimsical and sweet.

    Reply

  7. johnlmalone
    Oct 04, 2011 @ 04:19:29

    yes. this is a very good one. I have always wanted to write a poem about bubbles but I can’;t. I admire your poem because you’ve succeeded. I’ve also added you to my list of favourites

    Reply

    • wordcoaster
      Oct 04, 2011 @ 04:29:18

      Oh thanks, I’m honored! I’m sure you could write a poem about bubbles–they have so many different qualities and can serve as a metaphor for so many different things. Sometimes it takes several tries to get a good poem, but don’t give up! 🙂

      Reply

  8. johnlmalone
    Oct 04, 2011 @ 05:17:41

    I probably could — write a poem about bubbles, that is ; it’s just that I can’t but you’ve inspired me: I’ll give it a try

    btw have you written your CROW poem yet?

    Reply

    • wordcoaster
      Oct 04, 2011 @ 11:46:07

      Do it! I want to read it! I actually have written a poem about crows, though it’s not very good. I guess I could post it. Was your crow poem written for a prompt, or just because?

      Reply

  9. The Noiseless Cuckooclock
    Oct 04, 2011 @ 11:17:11

    fantastic wording.

    🙂

    Reply

    • wordcoaster
      Oct 04, 2011 @ 11:54:42

      Thanks! I build houses with words–often the wolf blows it down, but occasionally with enough concrete imagery my house can withstand the huffing and puffing. Other times I distract him with a bubble wand. 🙂

      Reply

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Because Russ L asked

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