On Entering a Quiet House on a Beautiful Day

“Is anyone home?”
“Just me.  Want to do something?”
“Let’s go for a hike.”

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Stir Up

Baby let’s drive into town
I wanna settle down
You can wear your new evening gown
I wanna settle down
We’ll stop in at Café Mantee
Won’t you settle down with me?
Shut up!  You’re starting to make me angry.
Settle down

Yes, Truly Yes

“I won the battle because I used my self-destruct!”
“But you killed yourself.” “No, I jumped out and then ducked!”
“I’m the Lego destroyer and he’s the Lego builder.”
“She drank the knockout wine, but it looks like they killed her.”
“If I shoot you with this spleen gun it means you cough up your spleen.”
“Oh no!  He’s using the red-hot-flaming-pizza-sauce-machine!”
“Let’s have a swordfight to the uttermost!”
“You’re on my team—together he’s toast!”
“Put your hands behind your back; you’re a prisoner of this nation.”
“Go get another belt!  (Let me know if you’re losing circulation.)”
“Any last words before we march you to the cave?”

“I’m back!  Now be honest, did the boys behave?”

Maybe there was a lot?

“What’d you do today?” you shout
Over the din of the ad man’s offer,
Into the ear of the tv watcher,
Making its way through his mental processor.
Once registered, he gives his answer,
“Today I took the garbage out.”

Real Life

“Yes, yes.  I’m the author.”…“It’s great to meet you too!”…
“Oh, yes, mmhmm, that’s nice.”… “What is it that I do?
Well, I’m still looking for a job; you can pass the word around.”

I’m sorry that in person I’m extremely less profound.

Sweet Words

With every purchase get a free fresh muffin!
You look tired; can I bake you something?
You want some cookies?  I packed way too many.
Here, have some cake—you’re looking way too skinny.
Mmmmm!  Come and taste what the neighbors just brought!
Want to try one of these?  Careful, they’re hot!
I’m on a diet, so you can have mine.
Go ahead, have another!  But does that make nine?
You can have my dessert; I’m already stuffed.
Yeah there’s more pie—sorry I bluffed.
Here’s the scoop; no, take more than that!
Have one more slice; there’s no chance you’ll get fat.

“I NEED TO SEE THE MANAGER!”

She: “Guy who got mad in the mall
Wouldn’t listen to reason at all;
He threw all our stuff
And acted quite tough
Until the cops took him.”  Me: “LOL!”

Astraphobia

“Let’s pretend that I’m the mother,
Let’s pretend that you’re the baby,
Let’s pretend you’re scared of thunder—
That wasn’t thunder was it?”  “Maybe.”
The pretense stops with thunder clap,
Or else the mom’s in baby’s lap.

Way on Down in Dixie

I may not take her shopping
With regularity;
I may not shower her with diamonds
On my meager salary;
I may not give her many things
Unless I find them free,
But way on down in Dixie land
There’s a wife that’s right for me.

Reptile Hands

“Grandma, you have lizard skin
Right here near your nails.”